Archive for the 'Mental Issues' Category

My VA Tech Blog Silence, Depression & Green Earth Bag Project

April 23, 2007 at 12:58 pm by Designer Ella

One Day Blog SilenceI haven’t been blogging lately because when perspectively viewed against certain tragedies, fashion seems shallow opposed to them. I’ve been depressed, which was caused by the Virginia Tech tragedy. As a college student, it frightens me and somehow I was vulnerable to such emotions. I’m hoping to continue on the path of higher learning while moving away from home and living in a dorm, so not knowing what that’s like, I was even more afraid.

Don’t get me wrong though, most times - well lately - I disagree that fashion is shallow. There can be many intellectual sides to it and it can be used philanthropically.

Which brings me to what I have been devoted to this past week: working on creating eco-friendly grocery totes and a web store on which to sell them. It’s helped me feel better about my line of “passion”, get my mind off things and really has gotten me excited about a fresh project. Really, I’m finally going to be a *real* designer. I’m almost done with decorating my first bag, and I’m getting my new sewing machine tomorrow! It’s a present that I’m grateful for. I see support from my family in starting this first/next step of my dream. (Really my mums didn’t want me to use a cheap one; she wants me to have the right machine for me for a time to come. So my family’s helping me out.)

I’ve also realized I have another new talent: php coding. I’m getting better at using PHP code! I’m so proud of myself for the tweaks I’m putting on WordPress to be this CMS (content management system). It’s just another aspect of being “designer” Ella!

I’ll try to blog but forcing myself today has given me a horrible feeling in my stomach from anxiety. I can’t get excited about this right now, but it’s more about that I’m not ready in my mental state. Forgive me.

I’m also blogging to you about One Day Blog Silence. To honour the Virginia Tech victims, I ask if you blog to not say one word on it on April 30th of this year. Visit for more info or your own banners to post on your blog.

Thanks for reading, and to those of you also facing grief, let’s try to help each other out while we give wishes for the victim’s families (the truly upset)!

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Writing while Drugged Out on Anxiety Meds?

March 12, 2007 at 1:17 pm by Designer Ella

pillI had stress this morning because since I woke up early I wanted to get some entries up, but things got in the way. Like needing to fix some script problems for a blog. I ended up not posting.

While working I popped one of my anxiety pills, after a while of that not working I popped another.

Usually these pills have no big effect. To help me sleep, they’re the tamest things. To calm my stress, sometimes they work. But I like to say they’re a bit like candy—I don’t worry about taking even three. I can take them at night and not even get tired. And then sometimes they just incapacitate me! I’m so out of it. I needed to call the post office and speaking I sound either out-of-it mentally challenged or out-of-it sleepy. The truth is I’m drugged up.

It’s not to say that it didn’t help my stress but when I can’t do anything productive I get stressed anew—although in a calm way thanks to the drug. Not too slowly, I come out of it, and I’m all better.

But until then, boy do I have to concentrate to make any sense writing - I’m useless.

So yes, drugs are bad. Of course, I know. I don’t have some problem with drugs. They’re prescribed for me to use this way. They’re necessary to fight my bad anxiety problems. Too bad I can’t go relax, that leads to trouble with me (laziness or sleeping the day away). I’ve been facing more mental problems lately.

Chloe BagAnyway I wanted to write so that people would get a side of the whole “drug” story. Also - to warn in case I can’t write any more blogs today. Sigh.

Hey, maybe I shouldn’t even publish this personal story? But I can’t be that judge right now. I apologize, but now you know a bit more about Ella.

Recently carried bag: Chloé Betty


Dangerous Matters?

September 27, 2006 at 5:15 pm by Designer Ella

There is so much to write about with my cousin’s wedding quickly approaching, but I don’t have time for it all—or much of anything. But another bit of news in my life is that I have a 2nd annual Birthday trip to visit my best friend, and now that those liquid restrictions have been adjusted for the better, I feel great about booking the tickets and going!

The whole thing is very silly, and no fashion blogger could put it better than The Fray’s Mochi,

I would have purchased this [perfume] while browsing around the airport in Houston. But, you know, it might have been a bomb.

How silly to sell it during the inane ban? How silly the ban is/was. And how smart of Mochi to put it in fashion terms! Great writer and addition to the blogging community!

All I know is I now can have an actual cold soda (warm + ice ≠ bubbly [but does turn to water]) and I don’t need to attempt to get a pharmacy label for my lip balm, after all. (Apparently those are two other things I’m addicted to, in addition to handbags.) I’ll be sure to pack a full baggie-sized amount of my needs.

Most recent bag: Coach Peacock Satchel v. Rainbow Tag Fob

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Depressed Shopping Spree

July 26, 2006 at 6:53 pm by Designer Ella

So two nights ago, I really was very depressed. I decided I would go on an e-Handbag shopping hunt. I almost convinced myself to spend up to $1,000 dollars on a Marc Jacobs bag. There’s one I want, but I didn’t find it. That one’s expensive, and it’s sold out of shops, so I’d need eBay to bring it to just the price I thought would be reasonable, but still reputable.

Anyway, I really decided I couldn’t do it, even if I actually couldn’t because I didn’t find my dream. (Blue quilted leather push-lock pocket bag.)

Anyway, I knew that a high end bag could be found cheap on Bluefly, and I actually found something I’ve kind of wanted (although hoped for in Coach): a dark brown leather satchel.

BCBG Max Azria oxblood leather 'Montana' handbag
BCBG Max Azria oxblood leather ‘Montana’ handbag

Look at the details! Isn’t it gorge? I already have a similar bag, but they’re so nice.

It wasn’t too expensive, and to me, it’s a practical buy, so I feel fine. My mania did wear off and I do believe I only purchased it because it’s something I would get anyway.

There was even a one-day sale that lasted ’til the morning. 20% off, I think, and I had won a couple coupon codes in their current contest and used one for free shipping! (And I really should use those coupons, right?)

Still, I was in such bad shape that night. It’s scary. Thank goodness I didn’t buy an expensive Marc Jacobs. Hopefully, until I’m paid a full income, my Marc by Marc Jacobs quilted velvet bag will be enough. I’m loving blue, though. Marc (by Marc Jacobs), time to come out with another cute bag to help me through poor times!


The Trouble of a Shopaholic Not Getting IT

July 22, 2006 at 3:00 pm by Designer Ella

Just like a dieter with Forbidden Chocolate Cake or just plain old ice cream, a shopaholic should not hold herself back from the one thing she really, really needs right now (play Target music, but think handbags).

Even if the Shopaholic is allowing herself her desire, while she hunts down or waits for her perfect or dream item to arrive in the mail, she will shop more and splurge more on other not-quite-as-wanted items. It fulfills the junkie craving, but not for long.

Such is the psychology of shopaholism.

It feels great to breeze into a boutique or discover deals on eBay, but as long we we don’t have that IT item, after the high is gone, serious mania and anxiety set in.

All this is going on for me right now, and I’m just waiting for my bag to come in the mail.

They say waiting is the hardest part, which is true for a shopaholic. And you know what makes it even harder? Not knowing when your item will arrive, or if it has even shipped. Not knowing is also at the top of the list for hardest things.

Yesterday’s Bag (today, I’m probably stuck in due to my mums going to a wedding and the torrential downpours. I desire to go out, but also, I just want to order Chinese for one [and before dinner time, it’s wishing+hoping for my bag!] ;-)): Liz Claiborne Leather Metallic Croc-Embossed Pocket Bag

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Crazier than Usual

July 20, 2006 at 5:17 pm by Designer Ella

I’m going crazy!

No, moreso than usual, really.

I ordered the perfect (upcoming) bag from Coach, one I’ve wanted (and hunted like mad for) for a year and they’ve finally made it to my specifications (although not literally). It’s supposed to ship today, but I’ve still been wishing, hoping, and hawk-eyeing the mail carrier and trucks all week.

Today, I was ready to sing “Glory Glory! Hallelujah!” (Okay I already did, because I’m crazy—I was like praying for it to come.) I saw all various forms of shipping service trucks go by my neighborhood and got excited each time (they pass my street, then head back). But no. No bag yet.

The last thing I had ordered from Coach came in what seemed like two days, so I’m hoping Saturday!

Meanwhile, I’m all manic that I don’t have my bag yet. It’s bad.

Let’s hope it comes to my liking, and let’s hope I don’t repeat this process too soon after. I doubt that—like I said, this has been my perfect dream bag for months.

So, it’s like … no wonder I’m so anxious to get it, right? It’s worth the loonies.

I’m justified.

Now that that’s settled, let’s give me my reward for not being too, too unhealthy! Only my third (and final) bag this month! Good me! ;-)


My Father Bought Pleated Pants

July 17, 2006 at 11:00 am by Designer Ella

I could not stop him. I could not stop him. I could not stop him.

The scary thing is the associate at Men’s Wearhouse argued me on the point. He was quite obnoxious. He knows fashion, yet somehow doesn’t know anything that goes against what his store sells (I think it’s all pleated-trousered suits!!!).

Everyone else agrees at the very least that stocky men look larger in pleats, including my Best Dude.

On the plus side he got really nifty shoes, a matching belt, pocket squares, and socks to match all those horrid trousers.

On the really, seriously, really negative side. He opened a credit card there and nearly spent $1,000.

The man does not even have an office job!!!

Man, I am not overpowered that much by Coach sales people, and bags are my thing! He hates fashion! (Or he used to, hmm.)

Well, sadly now I know where a good deal of my shopping weakness comes from.

Yesterday’s Handbag: Vintage Gucci: “G. Love”

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Functional Addictiton; Legit?

July 17, 2006 at 9:00 am by Designer Ella

I watched a repeat of House (M.D.) last night with an ending I loved.

There are always good bits, but this one dealt with the complexities of life as they relate to addiction.

“I’m an addict, [but] I’m not stopping. I said I was an addict, I didn’t say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.” (credit)

Well, I’m still learning to be completely functional, but I’m doing okay. I’m pretty much paying bills, too!

Still, is being addicted to a passion always a bad thing? Sure, my shopping’s somewhat out of control, but I never want to let go of “collecting” new handbags. I’ll be healthy when I learn to manage it but hold on to the love.

We don’t always have to quit “bad” things completely, we just need to maintain a reasonable level of our addictions. Like I’m probably also addicted to soda, but I cut down and usually drink only all natural drinks. Yes, I’m off of the fructose and corn syrup. That’s some Bad stuff, man.

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Can I take a “Weather Day”?

July 14, 2006 at 4:33 pm by Designer Ella

Yesterday was gloomy and I swear I have “Seasonal Affective Disorder,” in which I get depressed during the Spring & Summer, when the sky is dark and grey when it should be bright. It should be a thing. But my Best Dude Forever (BDF) thinks I’m lazy and whiny. (At first he said I have no disorder, then said I have “lazy” disorder. Tuh!)

Today is unbearably hot in our barely–air-conditioned little house. Opposite, but causing a slightly similar effect. I’m tired and melty. I still exercised, which I need but it made me feel worse in the hot & melt department. Why am I too lazy to go to a proper, nice gym? (At least I have the official disorder as an excuse. ;-))

One thing this means is that I can’t muster the energy and creative forces to blog properly.

But why can’t I have a good excuse to not blog on occasional week days? What I’m doing is not rocket science, and I should get some benefit from my work being so casual.

It may be cash and for entertainment, but it’s still hard work. Product blogging is a specific type of tough. I have to be inspired.

So, it’s only Friday, but gosh, I need the break!

Disorder, no disorder, or even multiple disorders. It’s really my prerogative!

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It’s ironic, you see

July 13, 2006 at 9:00 am by Designer Ella

So ever since my handbag collection grew into almost being a collection (actually, it only recently started to bloom as a real collection, but anyway) I’ve been careful about showing up toting certain bags with certain people.

Well, my therapist is whom I’m talking about today.

I saw her yesterday.

For a while, I’d make sure to carry my green mock-croc bag. That purse is being retired officially, though (off to eBay for change). I refuse to carry faux leather, now, and I also don’t like non names.

So what to carry when I see la therepiste? Often, I just bring a wristlet. If it’s that small, that’s enough to do for this occasion.

This day, it was the Coach wristlet I took out of my new vintage Gucci (which only has one pocket, so the wristlet was useful), which I then carried off to the mall. The wristlet was loaded with only the barest of essentials.

Am I lying at the times I’m supposed to be most open & bare? Sort of. But I’m so not ready to confront any issues with over-pursing. I’m happy this way.

It’s all about being happy.

Yesterday’s Handbag: Vintage Gucci: “G. Love”

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